Last night it hit me hard that I am not home. I wanted nothing more than to be back home, but the cost of a plane ticket would be too much. I wrote down how I was feeling... probably how most people feel in a new environment. Maybe you can identify:
I should probably be sleeping right now or doing homework. Instead, I am coming up with every excuse to avoid it. It would be a lie for me to pretend like everything is okay. I am usually good at ignoring problems and putting on a happy face. I like to trick other people into believing all is well so they don't ask me tons of questions. It is easier to stay a hermit that way. Really, at the moment, I just want to go home.
This weekend I went on a wonderful trip to the Blue Mountains. I saw beautiful views on my first bush walk, but inside me there was unrest. As much fun as it was, I still wanted to go home. I want to be in my town with my car and my school and my professors and my life... not to mention my bread maker! Do you get the picture? I'm having a hard time with the change, distance, and overall culture shock. Yes, Australia is a beautiful place and it does look a lot like the U.S., but it is not Alabama and the mentality here is much different. Change has always been hard for me. I have always avoided it like the plague. Some part of me wishes I never started on this adventure, but my logic tells me that my emotions are trying to prevent my heart from falling in love with Australia. Change makes me uncomfortable... because when we change we lose something... and I hate to lose anything. So, as a coping mechanism, I try to avoid getting attached. I hope that it will get better as the weeks begin to pass and I hope they pass rather quickly.
There will be bad days and good days. I am aware of this fact, but during the bad- the hard- the less desirable days, I hope that I will be able to look back at the good days and realize that it is worth it. I hope that I will look back in the future and laugh at how silly I am being right now. I hope that it will be like my Judson experience: rocky at first, but eventually it became a part of me THAT I WOULD NOT GIVE UP FOR ANYTHING. Whatever the outcome, I fully intend to grow a tremendous amount...