It's who you are when no one is looking.
It's not using Google translator on your Spanish homework.
It's making the money your parents gave you last longer than a week.
It's reading your Bible as much as you act like you do.
It's admitting that you've experienced and done some of the same horrible things that other people have.
It's the me that I'm getting to know.
For a long time, I've been able to fool other people into thinking that I'm efficient, motivated, confident, and organized.
To be honest, no one knows the real me. I didn't even know the real me, until recently. My eyes are being opened to my own character. Each day, I realize another aspect of my true self that I despise. I'm seeing that who I am at this point in my life is not who I expected to be.
I'm reminded of a lyric in a song by Francesca Battistelli:
"When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow."
This explains my life very well. Always expecting to be something, but never taking the steps to become that something. When I was 8, I told everyone I was a Christian. I knew what one was supposed to look like, so that's how I made myself look. I thought I had everyone fooled. Five years later, God slipped into the room where I hid behind a closed door. I couldn't fool Him. Point blank.
I know what an efficient worker, a motivated student, a confident woman, and an organized leader looks like. Sometimes I am those people. More times, I'm not.
I want to help women see their beauty, yet I hardly ever see my own.
I expect Christians to share their faith, yet I rarely share my own.
I leave the room when people are gossiping, only to go to another room to share the latest news.
Hypocritical? Of course. Let you who are without [the same] sin cast the first stone.
The book of my life would be open to this page regardless of where I had gone to school, or who my friends were. Thankfully, because of the influence of Judson sisters and professors here, the next page of my book is filled with maturity and wisdom.
Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like at a public co-ed university. I can definitely see the possibilities. It's possible that I would be failing, from lack of understanding, in the larger classrooms. It's probable that I would be in another dead-end relationship, just like high school. I would most definitely not have the friendships that I have made at Judson. I would possibly even doubt my Christian values.
All I can say is... Thank God I came to Judson. Thank God that I have professors who are willing to thoroughly teach me their discipline. Thank God that the staff, including professors, are willing to counsel me if I needed it. Thank God that I don't have the distraction of guys when I'm not ready to be in a relationship. Thank God for each and every friendship I have made and will make. Thank God for the solid Biblical teaching and spiritual nourishment I have received here.
At the end of the day, I am thankful that God placed me at Judson... where I can become a woman of true character.