Freshman Blog

[Exhale.] “WHOA!! I can’t see my breath!!”

Despite the fact that calendars claim that it is still winter,everything pleads the case that it is in fact, spring!

Judson girls have traded in their coats, scarves, hats, gloves, and furry boots for t-shirts, flip-flops, shorts, and sunglasses.

Heaters are no longer running; windows are propped open all over campus.

No one has such a problem walking outside anymore.

Birds sing gloriously.

The sun actually brings warmth to our faces.

And midterms have attacked.

[Sigh.]

Yes, the word “attack” is quite appropriate.  The horrid midterms have snuck upon Judson College with the stealth of a sniper, and out of nowhere stolen any ounce of joy we may have had.

The beautiful weather is just salt on the wound. 

So badly do we want to be outside, enjoying the glory of it all, but our good-student-consciences guide us to the library, the J, our rooms, anywhere that’s not fun in order to complete a paper or study some flashcards.

Ya know, sometimes college is a real bummer.

In literature, spring is used to symbolize new life, new love, and happiness.  When I take a moment out of my busy schedule to contemplate where those things are, I have to rebuke myself. They are here.

In the past week, I have gained new friendships, deepened existing friendships, revived broken friendships, and drawn near to my Lord through it all.  I can’t help but smile.

I am blessed.

As the new season gets into full swing (hopefully it’s here to stay), so is this season of joy.

Despite the fact that I am a broken, useless mess, He delights in me.  He has helped me rediscover the joy of my salvation.  My cup overfloweth.  :)

And even though I know it has no bearing on anything, I feel obligated to thank the groundhog for not seeing his shadow. 

Character.

It's who you are when no one is looking.

Good character.

It's not using Google translator on your Spanish homework.

It's making the money your parents gave you last longer than a week.

It's reading your Bible as much as you act like you do.

It's admitting that you've experienced and done some of the same horrible things that other people have.

Bad character.

It's the me that I'm getting to know.

For a long time, I've been able to fool other people into thinking that I'm efficient, motivated, confident, and organized.

To be honest, no one knows the real me. I didn't even know the real me, until recently.  My eyes are being opened to my own character.  Each day, I realize another aspect of my true self that I despise.  I'm seeing that who I am at this point in my life is not who I expected to be. 

I'm reminded of a lyric in a song by Francesca Battistelli:

"When I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
My life would turn out right, and I'd make it here somehow."

This explains my life very well.  Always expecting to be something, but never taking the steps to become that something.  When I was 8, I told everyone I was a Christian. I knew what one was supposed to look like, so that's how I made myself look.  I thought I had everyone fooled. Five years later, God slipped into the room where I hid behind a closed door.  I couldn't fool Him. Point blank.

I know what an efficient worker, a motivated student, a confident woman, and an organized leader looks like.  Sometimes I am those people.  More times, I'm not. 

I want to help women see their beauty, yet I hardly ever see my own.

I expect Christians to share their faith, yet I rarely share my own.

I leave the room when people are gossiping, only to go to another room to share the latest news.

Hypocritical? Of course. Let you who are without [the same] sin cast the first stone. 

The book of my life would be open to this page regardless of where I had gone to school, or who my friends were.  Thankfully, because of the influence of Judson sisters and professors here, the next page of my book is filled with maturity and wisdom. 

Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like at a public co-ed university.  I can definitely see the possibilities.  It's possible that I would be failing, from lack of understanding, in the larger classrooms.  It's probable that I would be in another dead-end relationship, just like high school.  I would most definitely not have the friendships that I have made at Judson.  I would possibly even doubt my Christian values. 

All I can say is... Thank God I came to Judson.  Thank God that I have professors who are willing to thoroughly teach me their discipline.  Thank God that the staff, including professors, are willing to counsel me if I needed it.  Thank God that I don't have the distraction of guys when I'm not ready to be in a relationship.  Thank God for each and every friendship I have made and will make.  Thank God for the solid Biblical teaching and spiritual nourishment I have received here.

At the end of the day, I am thankful that God placed me at Judson... where I can become a woman of true character.

Last night was definitely the best night I've had as a Judson girl. 

It was the night of the Big/Little Banquet... which means...

I now have a Big Sis!!

My roommate Whitney and I are now "twins" and have become part of the Duck family!  Our big sister is junior-soph class president Brittany, and our best friend. :)

All year Whitney and I wanted Brittany to be our big... but so did two other girls.  FOUR little sisters are just wayyy too many for one person!  But Brittany sat us down and told us that if we all wanted her, then she'd take us.  "I couldn't imagine seeing Katie (her big) taking someone else through traditions, knowing that I wanted her," Brittany told us.  So, regardless of how overwhelming four little sisters would be, her can-do spirit compelled her to make us all happy.

Eventually though, the other two gravitated toward other junior-sophs - ones that are now their best friends - leaving Whitney and I with our original prospect.  As time drew us nearer and nearer to the banquet, our excitement and friendships flourished.  Whitney, Brittany, and I are basically inseparable, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Britt is like my actual big sis.  She's my mentor, my partner in crime, my study buddy, my personal trainer, my best friend.  I can't imagine what everyday would be like without her witty comebacks or her Canadian impersonations.  "Hey there, hi there, ho there, ha' ya doin'?"

Whitney and I can't wait to make memories with and welcome little sisters into the duck family next year! 

"Our hearts will cling to these golden memories, of thoughts of sisters and love that binds..."

Mothers.  They're always there for you.  They let you dress up in their clothes when you can hardly complete sentences.  They cry on your first day of school.  They volunteer to read "Little House on the Prairie" to your fourth-grade class everyday after lunch.  They are your lifejacket through the tidal wave of tears from backstabbing middle-school girls and high school break-ups.  They are the ONLY family members willing to take you shopping - no doubt an all-day affair.  They fix your hair for prom, and take all the pictures their camera cards will hold.  Eventually, they'll help plan your weddings and spoil your children.  They love you when you feel unloved, and they'll shoot straight with you when no one else will. 

They are just a part of life, right?

But what happens when they're taken from you - when you can't call them up to see what you should do about a problem with a friend?  When you can't send them a picture of something you really REALLY want for Christmas?  When they're not there to tell you a million times to "be careful and wear your seatbelt" on your way home?  When they're not there to greet you with a hug as soon as you arrive home?

I've always avoided thoughts like these; most people do.  Death is not a fun thing to think about, much less admit that it is a part of life.  But moms don't die, right? I mean, that's just downright inconceivable.

A dear friend and Judson sister of mine, Taylor, is learning how to face the inconceivable.

Last Tuesday, Taylor's mom lost her battle with cancer.  I was the only one there when she found out; nothing like that have I ever experienced.  Never has my soul been consumed with as much hurt as in that helpless hour.  I ached for her.

Not long after that, I began a chronological Bible reading plan that has brought me into the book of Job.  A righteous man by God's standards, he lost everything - everything but a doubting wife and unhelpful friends.  His wife encouraged him to curse God!  "Look at how God repays your faithfulness," she spat.  His "friends" accused him of sin and rebellion... "Surely you must be terribly guilty in order to deserve consequences such as these!"  In the middle of grief, loss, and doubt, Job remained faithful to the God who never once left his side.  He never rebelled against his God, even when sores arose all over him.

Seeing Taylor, and learning about Job, I am struck with the actualization of mortality.  Death is real.  It's ever present.  It is inevitable.

Yet - "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you.  Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful." (John 14:27)

But Lord, how can I have peace when I'm comforting a friend who just lost her mother?  How can she have peace when she has lost her mother?  HOW??

Because I know the plans I have for you... plans to give you a hope and a future.  And I have the same plans for Kim.  She chose me.  And so did you.

And a few days later, so did Taylor. 

Today's assignment for English 102 was to read Holy Sonnet 10: Death Be Not Proud by John Donne.  This poem sums up the Christians attitude on death perfectly.

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, not yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

I love you, Mommy.  I know that I don't tell you enough, but you're at the top of my list - second only to Jesus, and tied with Dad.  I thank God for all of the sacrifices you've made and still do make for the boys and I.  You are a beautiful woman, and I pray to be half the mother you've been to us.  Love, Rivs.